Life, writing, etc.

Thoughts, Feelings, Friends


What is it about me that make me loved and adored by so many people who are my friends but when it comes to actual romantic love I have no one? In the last 11 years I’ve had 5 relationships. In all of them it’s ended up being a one sided relationship. With Sarah she left me knowing she was pregnant with my child and not telling me. With Michelle I left her because she was only with me for the kids, my support and her well being. With Stay she left me because she just wanted her friend back. With Stacy she left because her idea and my idea about love weren’t compatible and now finally Amanda is phasing out relationship back to a friendship because she does love me but she doesn’t feel passionately in love with me which is her idea of love. She loves me like a friend. I however love her passionately.

So I ask this, do I have it wrong. Is my idea of love so skewed that I don’t really know what love is? Also I’m still asking the question of what is so wrong with me that I’m not capable of being romantically loved. I know that I’m self loathing right now but its how I feel.

Amanda says that it’s not me that it’s her and she has a lot of reasons for making this decision. It makes sense to stop it now and hurt relatively less than to get married, live a lie and then have it come out far down the road. I understand this but it still hurts, a lot.

Now I get to look forward to somehow breaking this news to the kids. I don’t know how they’re gonna take it and it makes me feel like a failure as a father that I have, yet again, introduced someone who makes their life complete only to have things not work out.

I am and will be hurt for a while. It’s going to take me a while to get over this. I am, however, trying not to go back to my old behaviors of shutting down and blocking everyone out. It’s really hard to do this but I’m trying.

Amanda wants us to be friends again and I don’t want to loose her has a friend but just hanging out and bull shitting kills me because I’m in love with her but she doesn’t feel the same way. I’m really trying but I don’t know how this is going to affect me.

I’m hoping that it’ll make me a stronger person and that eventually I will be able to just be friends with her but you know us Cancers. We’re highly emotional and passionate people.

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