Life, writing, etc.

Who am I

So I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about life and what not and I’ve come to a disturbing thought. I really think that I don’t really belong anywhere. I feel like I’m fake, like I am just bull shitting them and myself. I don’t think I’m a good writer, or know a lot about technology, am groovy like a hippy, smart like the friends I have in college or am cool enough not to care about anything.
When I’m around my various cornucopia of different types of friends I feel like I’m merely mirroring the traits that the friend has so I can be accepted by them. Now this may not sound bad in some cases but the way I see it is that if someone were to mirror me what would that be.

My wonderful friend said that I’m just like her, unique So much so that we don’t fit into normal society or to the fringe personalities and that its a good thing. I wish I could believe that. On one hand being unique is great but on the other it can be depressing.

This also ties into the whole what I wanna be when I grow up problem. I have no idea what I want to do with my life professionally. I have a job, which blows, and it pays the bills but I want to be doing something productive with my life.

If you asked me now what I want to do when I grow up I’d have to stand there for a minute and really think about it. I’d probably come up with the answer of writer but seeing as I think my writing sucks I can’t believe that I’d ever get paid doing something like that.

Now one might say “why don’t you go back to school?” This would be a good idea, however I don’t know what I want to do so how can I pick a major. Yes I can go for an English major but thats really not going to help me with a job unless I go for a teaching degree and I really don’t think I could be a teacher.

I just wish I could find some answers to these life questions. I don’t want to be stuck in a dead end job the rest of my life. I want to do something that will be great and possibly lead to greatness. I wish I knew what that was so I can get started and actually do something with my life.


One response

  1. Dude you suck! We hangout and then you post this? 🙂

    You’re not fake. You don’t mirror traits when you’re around people – its more of what comes out when you’re around certain people. That’s all that is – I mean people act differently when they’re at home, work, or out with friends. That’s just part of being human 🙂

    As for the what do you want to be when you grow up – again, it’s perfectly normal to think about the future. Even I think about what I want to be 2 years from now – and I’m doing well in my career. I am like you – I don’t want to be stuck in a dead end job (or anything really). I constantly want to move up, grow, and develop.

    I think what you need is a break/vacation, and you need to look at everything from a way different perspective. That’s probably half your problem, I mean, think about it – I’m sure there’s someone around you that probably feels the same way you do, and looks at you/your life and says “man, that guy has it together” and wishes he was you. 🙂 I mean, while this blogpost has depressing undertones, you seem very cognizant of your current solution, you already know some options, and you’re not off making rash decisions. Sounds like you got some idea of what you want to do, and options.

    My guess is you need to get out more.

    So give me a ring sometime buddy. I’ll text you again so you have my #. Take care.

    September 1, 2010 at 6:54 pm

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