Life, writing, etc.


Who am I

So I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about life and what not and I’ve come to a disturbing thought. I really think that I don’t really belong anywhere. I feel like I’m fake, like I am just bull shitting them and myself. I don’t think I’m a good writer, or know a lot about technology, am groovy like a hippy, smart like the friends I have in college or am cool enough not to care about anything.
When I’m around my various cornucopia of different types of friends I feel like I’m merely mirroring the traits that the friend has so I can be accepted by them. Now this may not sound bad in some cases but the way I see it is that if someone were to mirror me what would that be.

My wonderful friend said that I’m just like her, unique So much so that we don’t fit into normal society or to the fringe personalities and that its a good thing. I wish I could believe that. On one hand being unique is great but on the other it can be depressing.

This also ties into the whole what I wanna be when I grow up problem. I have no idea what I want to do with my life professionally. I have a job, which blows, and it pays the bills but I want to be doing something productive with my life.

If you asked me now what I want to do when I grow up I’d have to stand there for a minute and really think about it. I’d probably come up with the answer of writer but seeing as I think my writing sucks I can’t believe that I’d ever get paid doing something like that.

Now one might say “why don’t you go back to school?” This would be a good idea, however I don’t know what I want to do so how can I pick a major. Yes I can go for an English major but thats really not going to help me with a job unless I go for a teaching degree and I really don’t think I could be a teacher.

I just wish I could find some answers to these life questions. I don’t want to be stuck in a dead end job the rest of my life. I want to do something that will be great and possibly lead to greatness. I wish I knew what that was so I can get started and actually do something with my life.


Quick Rant

What the hell was I thinking when I got involved with such a god awful woman. Was I really that lonely that I decided that this was the best I could do? Hindsight is 20-20 they say and I wish that sight when I was looking forward.

Frustrated doesn’t even begin to scratch the surface of emotions I have towards this woman. Yes she is the mother of my children but that is the only redeeming quality that she has or has ever had. She’s lazy leaches off others, including the government, self righteous, ignorant, stupid, manipulative a plight on society and my kids and an all around bad person. I’ve never known anyone so terrible in my life.

She is the one who already has two other children from two other men who she doesn’t even see because she gave them up when she was a teenager. She continues not to be able to see them to this day because she’s a druggie and ended up over dosing and refused to go into rehab so her mother, who has her other kids, will not let her see them.

Now she thinks that because she watches her own children a few more days than what the divorce decree states that she’s better than me. Some how I’m a bad father because even though I work full time I’m barely making ends meet and sometimes rely on her partly 50 dollar a month child support payment.

She’s even manipulating my children into having them think that I’m not a good father. Now I’m not saying I’m perfect, I have my flaws, but I’m a far better parent than she will ever be. Lets compare.

I have a job and don’t rely on any kind of support other than child support. She collects monthly “disability” checks from social security and has a husband with a full time job. She also gets food stamps and other support.

I live in a 4 bedroom house where both kids have their own rooms and spaces. She lives in a two bedroom fourplex with her husband and mother in law. When the kids aren’t at her house the mother inlaw uses the kids rooms.

I just recently spent over 300.00 on them for school supplies and new clothes including new shoes for my daughter with give a good inch for her to grow into. She hasn’t paid her child support this month but is buying my daughter another pair of shoes which will be a size too big for her.

My house, while not spic and span, is not full of bugs and smells like an animal shelter where hers does.

So who’s the worse parent here. I wish I could just get her rights terminated, unfortunately the laws in this state suck bad and usually favor the mother. I just go luck.

Sorry, rant was longer than I though.

Short stories, scripts and a novel.

With everything going on lately in my life I’ve found that there’s one thing that’s actually improving. I’ve been writing a lot more. Nothing like major life changes to put you in the mood to write, I guess.

First I started working on my love life novel. I’ve decided to shelve that for now. I just wasn’t feeling it when I was writing it. I felt like I was forcing myself to write it and I didn’t want to do that.

I did write a short story over the course of a few days. It was just an idea that hit me and I just started writing. I was hoping to make it more of a novel but I didn’t really think it through and it just organically become a short story. I think I’l revisit it and make it a full blown novel. I might use that for nanowrimo this year. We’ll see.

I find myself full with ideas lately and I’m thinking about writing another script. I have a general idea and I’m going to plan it out before I start writing it. I don’t know how it’ll be classified but it’ll probably be another rom com though it might just be a straight drama.

I’m going to set a goal for myself to write at least once a day. I’m taking the idea this from my friend and fellow writer Heather. She’s awesome and has inspired me to make some changes in my life like she has.

With so many ideas I hope that I don’t get overwhelmed and just decided to give it all up. Speaking of which, no I haven’t given up on Coffee Raiders. I have written nearly 40 scripts for it. I’m just waiting on the art to be finished. Once thats done I’ll launch the site. I’ll posted here once its launched.

Until next time.

5 Stages

Denial and Isolation, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance. The five stages of grieving. I don’t know if its as clear cut as that. I do know one thing though, even though these are the 5 stages, you don’t go through them necessarily in that order and if you do its possible to step back.

Now I know that it’s only been a few days since it all happened but I’m really starting to feel worse. Sure I’ll go through my day and for the most part I will be ok. I’ll go to work, talk with my co-workers, I’ll talk with my friends, I’ll do normal everyday stuff like nothing is bothering me. Even when I get home I’m fine. The time when I start to break down is usually just before bed and just after waking up. When I have nothing else in the world to think about the reality of whats happening staring me right in the face.

Some have asked me what I’m going to do in this complicated situation and I tell them the truth. Do I love Amanda? Yes. Are you still going to be friends? I really want to be. Is she moving out? No. Some friends understand, others are upset that this happened again and want to hurt the one that hurt me. I’d never allow it and honestly I doubt that they’ed ever go through with it but its nice to know that my friends care.

Even Amanda cares. The transition from what we are to what we were or vice versa, depending on how you look at it, has been hard. She knows that its hard for me and she hates to see me hurt like I am. It makes her feel bad that she’s hurt me like this. It makes me feel bad to make her feel bad. It’s a vicious circle.

Now we come to the steps of grief. I can’t really say I’ve done denial or isolation. I want to isolate myself. I want to run far far away but I’m taking a different road this time. I’m facing my fears, difficulties, hardships up front and am not running away from them like I usually do. I’m not putting my walls up and blocking out those that I love. I’d say I’m doing pretty good for someone who’s used to running.

Anger. Yeah, theres been plenty of that. I’m angry that life isn’t fair. That some people I know who shouldn’t be happy and shouldn’t be in a relationship are and yet here I am sad and alone. I know that she’s still here with me and looking out for me but I still feel alone. I’m also angry in general. Angry that I’ve had another failed relationship. Angry at myself because I feel like I’ve failed not only myself but my kids as well. Part of me wants to be angry with her but I can’t. She did do the right thing. It made sense. It doesn’t make me feel good but in the whole scheme of things it was better that it happened now than later.

Next we have bargaining. Now I don’t know if I can really say that I’ve done this but when I lie in bed thinking about events I get the ideas. What if I do this then maybe she’ll love me. Or I could do this or I could act like that. Ultimately I come back around to the fact that you can’t change the way a person sees love and I let go of the crazy ideas and try to fall to sleep.

Depression. What a lovely word. Even just saying the word can make one depressed. Am I depressed? You bet. It’s the natural order of things. Now I may not always look depressed but I think that’s because I’m trying to put a front up. I’m starting to wonder if I’m putting up such a good front that I’m actually fooling myself into thinking that I’m better off than I really am.

Finally there’s acceptance. Who knows when or if that’ll happen. I hope that it comes sooner rather than later but its been my experience that it happens when its good and ready to show up. Quite honestly I accept the fact that she doesn’t love me the same way that I love her. I understand it and I accept it. Does it make me feel better? No.

Hmm I wonder where I should go from here then. I didn’t realize that I’ve gone through all these steps until I actually wrote them out. I really am trying to move forward and get back to the place where we were before we got together. Amanda is a great person and an amazing friend. I don’t want to loose that. I guess I just need to keep walking forward and maybe the next time I look back it wont hurt as much. Only time will tell.

Thoughts, Feelings, Friends

What is it about me that make me loved and adored by so many people who are my friends but when it comes to actual romantic love I have no one? In the last 11 years I’ve had 5 relationships. In all of them it’s ended up being a one sided relationship. With Sarah she left me knowing she was pregnant with my child and not telling me. With Michelle I left her because she was only with me for the kids, my support and her well being. With Stay she left me because she just wanted her friend back. With Stacy she left because her idea and my idea about love weren’t compatible and now finally Amanda is phasing out relationship back to a friendship because she does love me but she doesn’t feel passionately in love with me which is her idea of love. She loves me like a friend. I however love her passionately.

So I ask this, do I have it wrong. Is my idea of love so skewed that I don’t really know what love is? Also I’m still asking the question of what is so wrong with me that I’m not capable of being romantically loved. I know that I’m self loathing right now but its how I feel.

Amanda says that it’s not me that it’s her and she has a lot of reasons for making this decision. It makes sense to stop it now and hurt relatively less than to get married, live a lie and then have it come out far down the road. I understand this but it still hurts, a lot.

Now I get to look forward to somehow breaking this news to the kids. I don’t know how they’re gonna take it and it makes me feel like a failure as a father that I have, yet again, introduced someone who makes their life complete only to have things not work out.

I am and will be hurt for a while. It’s going to take me a while to get over this. I am, however, trying not to go back to my old behaviors of shutting down and blocking everyone out. It’s really hard to do this but I’m trying.

Amanda wants us to be friends again and I don’t want to loose her has a friend but just hanging out and bull shitting kills me because I’m in love with her but she doesn’t feel the same way. I’m really trying but I don’t know how this is going to affect me.

I’m hoping that it’ll make me a stronger person and that eventually I will be able to just be friends with her but you know us Cancers. We’re highly emotional and passionate people.

The Wall

Sorry about not posting lately.  I’ve seem to have hit a wall and haven’t been writing much lately.  Its really frustrating when you have all these great ideas but when you try to write them down you draw a blank. 

Such is life I guess.  In the mean time Ro has sent me some of the finished drawings and they are great.  I’m playing around with them a little bit to see if it’ll be feasable to do it in color. So far it takes me a day to color one so I may only color the ones that would look good.

In the mean time I think I might have to postpone the launch.  I only have two finished comics and don’t know when to expect more.  I guess we’ll see.

Catch ya on the flip side



I was interviewed!

A fellow writer and blogger has taken upon herself to interview aspiring, unpublished, and unrepresented writers on her blog. She has introduced me to many different blogs, mostly about writing.

Well, today it was my turn to be interviewed. You can read it here.

February Grace is an amazing person to be able to do what she does, especially since she has issues with her eyes. I first met her through the Script Frenzy boards. She was one of the few to first read my script and she gave me a lot of great notes and I cannot praise her enough. If you have time please check our her blog. Its funny insightful and informative.

I am truly honored to be lucky enough to be interviewed by her and I can’t thank her enough.