Denial and Isolation, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance. The five stages of grieving. I don’t know if its as clear cut as that. I do know one thing though, even though these are the 5 stages, you don’t go through them necessarily in that order and if you do its possible to step back.
Now I know that it’s only been a few days since it all happened but I’m really starting to feel worse. Sure I’ll go through my day and for the most part I will be ok. I’ll go to work, talk with my co-workers, I’ll talk with my friends, I’ll do normal everyday stuff like nothing is bothering me. Even when I get home I’m fine. The time when I start to break down is usually just before bed and just after waking up. When I have nothing else in the world to think about the reality of whats happening staring me right in the face.
Some have asked me what I’m going to do in this complicated situation and I tell them the truth. Do I love Amanda? Yes. Are you still going to be friends? I really want to be. Is she moving out? No. Some friends understand, others are upset that this happened again and want to hurt the one that hurt me. I’d never allow it and honestly I doubt that they’ed ever go through with it but its nice to know that my friends care.
Even Amanda cares. The transition from what we are to what we were or vice versa, depending on how you look at it, has been hard. She knows that its hard for me and she hates to see me hurt like I am. It makes her feel bad that she’s hurt me like this. It makes me feel bad to make her feel bad. It’s a vicious circle.
Now we come to the steps of grief. I can’t really say I’ve done denial or isolation. I want to isolate myself. I want to run far far away but I’m taking a different road this time. I’m facing my fears, difficulties, hardships up front and am not running away from them like I usually do. I’m not putting my walls up and blocking out those that I love. I’d say I’m doing pretty good for someone who’s used to running.
Anger. Yeah, theres been plenty of that. I’m angry that life isn’t fair. That some people I know who shouldn’t be happy and shouldn’t be in a relationship are and yet here I am sad and alone. I know that she’s still here with me and looking out for me but I still feel alone. I’m also angry in general. Angry that I’ve had another failed relationship. Angry at myself because I feel like I’ve failed not only myself but my kids as well. Part of me wants to be angry with her but I can’t. She did do the right thing. It made sense. It doesn’t make me feel good but in the whole scheme of things it was better that it happened now than later.
Next we have bargaining. Now I don’t know if I can really say that I’ve done this but when I lie in bed thinking about events I get the ideas. What if I do this then maybe she’ll love me. Or I could do this or I could act like that. Ultimately I come back around to the fact that you can’t change the way a person sees love and I let go of the crazy ideas and try to fall to sleep.
Depression. What a lovely word. Even just saying the word can make one depressed. Am I depressed? You bet. It’s the natural order of things. Now I may not always look depressed but I think that’s because I’m trying to put a front up. I’m starting to wonder if I’m putting up such a good front that I’m actually fooling myself into thinking that I’m better off than I really am.
Finally there’s acceptance. Who knows when or if that’ll happen. I hope that it comes sooner rather than later but its been my experience that it happens when its good and ready to show up. Quite honestly I accept the fact that she doesn’t love me the same way that I love her. I understand it and I accept it. Does it make me feel better? No.
Hmm I wonder where I should go from here then. I didn’t realize that I’ve gone through all these steps until I actually wrote them out. I really am trying to move forward and get back to the place where we were before we got together. Amanda is a great person and an amazing friend. I don’t want to loose that. I guess I just need to keep walking forward and maybe the next time I look back it wont hurt as much. Only time will tell.